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We can learn a lot about America’s state of mind by checking on our movie villains. Cinema loves nothing more than a safely-hissable villain, and tends to choose a heel that either reflects the national mood, national prejudices, or both. World War II gave us Nazis; the 50s and 60’s gave us communists; and 9/11 movies gave us terrorists – mostly black or brown ones without any particular expressed grievances other than “death to America,” because that might muddy the waters too much to enjoy with popcorn.
The past several years in horror movies have been filled with extremely online, empathy-free killers chasing clout; A.I. run amok; and the “let’s put two hungry dogs in the same pen, and offer no institutional help” of unchecked capitalism. Which seems… accurate.
But during the relative calm of the 80’s and 90’s, who were our villains? Who bedeviled our families and destroyed our communities? Who did our heroes need to stand against and overcome?
Land developers.
Whether tearing down the local community center (Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo), or building houses on cemeteries without moving the bodies (Poltergeist), land developers were the very embodiment of evil. And movies figured this out even before Trump was president! Sometimes cinema really is magic.
Let’s pause on Poltergeist for a moment. Back in the innocent 80’s, we were less concerned that a land developer might turn you into a ghost – via… oh, let’s say, the destruction of American democracy, social services, and economic stability – and more worried that shady developers might hand you unwanted ghost roommates. And I don’t want to downplay the more charming concerns of the past. Certainly if I bought a house, only to discover that the real estate agent neglected to inform me of potential “quirks” of the listing, like clown doll assault, tree attacks, and some light face removal, I would call the Better Business Bureau. Sometimes you just gotta play hardball, y’know?
Honestly, the whole “cemetery scam” (as I assume it’s called in the biz) barely seems worth it for developers. Even if you do cut corners by leaving the bodies (and their corresponding poltergeese) in place, you still have to relocate oodles of headstones, so is this land truly essential to your planned community? Especially when you factor spontaneous house implosion? Just build on a superfund site or something.
You get my drift. Land developers are evil. We’ve all seen it. So how can you fight them? Well, yet again, movies point the way:
- BREAKDANCING
As Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo (the film that launched a million increasingly-less-funny title jokes) so indelibly demonstrated, land developers are helpless in the face of popping and locking. While you might think that any money raised via a local dance show would be woefully inadequate to combat the tide of capitalism, here “dancing” is only half the story. The breakers’ true power lies not in ticket sales, but their ability to bend reality. If Turbo can dance on the ceiling, then his electric breakin’ majicks can certainly save the center. Thus, they live to boogaloo another day.
- PIRATE GOLD
If pirate gold “R” good enough for Goonies, then it’s certainly good enough for you – so the next time your goondocks are threatened, merely scour your attic for a deus ex pirate-mapina. Your path may be fraught with perils (booby traps; questionably-80’s depictions of asians, overweight people, and the differently-abled; and maybe even an octopus depending on whether you’re in the TV cut), but it’s one of the top ways of acquiring “rich stuff” to pay the neighborhood bills. Just make sure your local lending institution accepts payment in the form of opals and rubies – or at least that the local opal+ruby buyer is open weekends.
- ROBOT ALIENS
If those methods fail, you could always try the Batteries Not Included* route. Unfortunately, I’m not sure I remember what that is. Frankly, I don’t remember much about Batteries Not Included* besides I think Hume Cronyn is in it (?) and there’s a scene where a robot hops around a grill and is mistaken for a hamburger, in the second best hamburger scene in cinema, following the gratuitous interlude in Better Off Dead where the plot takes a coffee break and hands a claymation hamburger a mic to sing Van Halen’s 1980 hit “Everybody Wants Some.” Maybe Robert Evans was trying to make that hamburger a star, who knows.
So I guess if you want to fight land developers, throw some cheese on a robot?
- TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF
Honestly, as with most things in life, everything I learned about fighting land developers can be traced back to The Bikini Car Wash Company. This 1992 “classic” film/auto-mechanic-nudie-calendar-come-to-life follows a group of community-minded women who save a failing car wash by offering their services as bikini-clad suds technicians. And, of course, as every schoolchild knows, Bikini Car Wash Company 2, the second in the duology, concerns itself with land developers threatening the car wash, leading our enterprising heroines to make a career pivot into running a lingerie home shopping network. Yes, Bikini Car Wash Company 2 contains almost no bikini car washing, which is sure to disappoint the true BCWC fans, the same way my Ethan Frome sequel Ethan Frome 2: Frome Alone dispenses with all the sledding themes of the original, and is mostly about Ethan’s new career as a cane model.
What’s the moral of all this? I’m not sure, beyond if you find your home threatened by land developers, immediately remove your pants.
By the way, in the course of researching this topic, I found something interesting in the “Trivia” section of the Bikini Car Wash Company IMDb page. Namely, this entry:
“Daily Show Writer and Podcast Host Dan McCoy lists this motion picture among one of his favorite movies.”
Which, while not true, is also not NOT true. Thank you, anonymous IMDb editor, for securing my place in history, far tighter than the knot on a sudsy bikini maiden’s top.
And to hell with the Developer in Chief.
For earlier posts, check out the archive. In my other life, I’m a podcaster. Listen to my show The Flop House, here. In my other other life, I’m an Emmy-winning comedy writer. If you’re looking to staff, get in touch! And if you love the newsletter, you can always consider tipping me, by enrolling in the paid tier!