Spec, Memory

Something VERY different this time around...

Back in the day, the way you'd get staffed on a sitcom was to write a "spec script" for a hit show (i.e. a "speculative" script no one's paying you for, used to either get a job or, if original, to get optioned).

Why did producers want scripts for existing shows, rather than all-new material? It showed you could write in the "voice" of a program – a valuable talent, since so much of the job is matching your sensibility to someone else's show (while bringing your own unique value in the margins).

These days the equation has flipped. Due to the modern explosion in TV outlets, Hollywood almost always wants new material – stuff that could plausibly go on the air tomorrow, to fill the hunger for new content (although, now that the industry has slowed wildly, who knows... it may change again).

You'd rarely get staffed on the same show you chose to spec for, because the bosses would be so exacting about their own show's voice. Instead, you'd try to write something for a show similar to wherever you wanted to get hired. While occasionally people would write for really old shows as a gimmick to get attention (I think there was a very dirty Brady Bunch spec circulating at one point), the ideal was usually to write for a "hot" new show – something that had aired enough episodes that you could learn the characters and tone, but one that people were still excited about...

...which is why it's kind of funny that I decided to write a spec for The Simpsons sometime around 2005, when it was already 16 years into the show's (still going!) run.

Even at the time, I knew it probably wouldn't be anything more than an exercise – I just wanted to do it because I loved the show, and knew it backwards and forwards. I wrote it because it was fun to write an episode of The Simpsons.

Anyway, when I eventually did go on to write comedy for TV, it was as a late night comedy/variety writer – a very different beast than narrative... but I was looking through my archives and found my old script and was surprised at how much I still like it. There's some awkward dialogue, and a few jokes so specific to the era that they're incomprehensible today, but I present THE ENTIRE SCRIPT to you now, unedited, because I think it's got a lot of funny stuff in it that would otherwise be lost to time, and it's an interesting chronicle of a road not taken... (yet! I'm available!).

It should go without saying, but I have no ownership of The Simpsons or any of its characters, who belong to 20th Century Fox (or Disney, now, I guess) and Gracie Television.

JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTATION, by Dan McCoy

ACT ONE

FADE IN: 

EXT. SPRINGFIELD CONVENTION CENTER - DAY

The entrance to the convention center is decked out with a banner that reads "WELCOME TO CANE EXPO 2005," and below, in smaller letters, "NO WHEELCHAIR ACCESS." 

INT. SPRINGFIELD CONVENTION CENTER - CONTINUOUS

HOMER, MARGE, BART, LISA, and MAGGIE ENTER, with GRAMPA.  Lisa reads a brochure.

LISA

It says here that the cane expo is the premiere venue for manufacturers to display the latest models of canes, walkers, and walking-stick related items.  What a feather in Springfield's cap to host it this year!

HOMER

See Marge?  This is what happens when Grampa picks the activity.  

MARGE

Quiet, Homer.  You lost the bet fair and square.  

HOMER

That's the last time I wager on reality television

(DEJECTED, TO SELF)

Gilligan one, you were so much better than Gilligan two.

BART

I'm just hoping to get one of those canes with swords in them.  They're the arthritic swashbuckler's friend.

GrAMPA

Ooh!  I can see the Stickmaster 3000 from here! Time to stop ambling and switch to a speedy shuffle.

INT. CONVENTION FLOOR - CONTINUOUS

As Grandpa increases his speed marginally, we PAN past several old people, perusing the booths.  A carnival BARKER stands in front of one booth, with a stage behind him.  On stage stand JIMBO, DOLPH, and KEARNEY.

BARKER

Step right up folks, and shake a stick at the delinquents!  You don't truly know how a cane feels in your hand, until you're shaking it at teenagers!

JASPER and AGNES SKINNER step up, grab two canes, and shake them at the stage.

AGNES

Get off my lawn!  Jackasses!

DOLPH

How much does this pay again?

KEARNEY

Fifteen an hour.

JIMBO

Who knew our choice of vocation would prove so lucrative?

Grampa is at another booth, watching a demonstration with Homer.  The salesman is GIL, who brandishes a cane.

GIL

Now I'm sure you remember the old days when a cane had just one prong...

GRAMPA

Do I ever!

Gil takes out a cane with four prongs at the end.

GIL 

Well sir, then canes took a page out of walker technology, and they added extra legs to the groundward end, to make 'em stable.  But hold on now,  what about our friend the walker?  Each one of it's four legs only has one leg!

HOMER

(BITTER, TO SELF)

Stupid engineers!  

Gil pulls out a walker where each one of the four legs has four smaller legs attached.

GIL

Not anymore!  Y'see, the new "Quatro Walker" has four legs for every four legs, creating an unprecedented "no fall" zone.

GRAMPA

Hot diggity!  Imagine how hard it would be to knock me down in one of those!

HOMER

Hmn...

HOMER'S FANTASY: 

Homer plays football, strolling calmly down the field with the Quatro Walker. The opposing team tries to tackle him, but they simply bounce off as he crosses into the end zone.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Simpson has the ball.  He goes downfield.  There's no way to curb this powerhouse of a man.  He might wobble, folks, but he quite simply will not fall down.  And it's... Touchdown!  Homer Simpson wins Superbowl XXXXXII!

BACK TO REALITY:

Homer pulls out a wad of cash.

HOMER

I'll take it!

Gil

Wha -- really?  Hot damn!  Gil, boy, you're back on top!  Wait'll the guys down at the shelter hear this!

GRAMPA

Oh, boy.  You'd get that -- for me?

HoMER

Are you still here?

Marge appears with the others, and grabs the cash.

GIL

What the?  Oh, no – no, lady, you're gonna queer the deal!

MARGE

Homer, were you about to spend all our money on that innovative walker?  

HOMER

Marge, that contraption will make me the envy of old and older alike!

MARGE

I don't care.  We still have to buy lunch, and with all these old people, the early bird special is surprisingly expensive...

INT. CONVENTION CENTER FOOD COURT - LATER

The Simpsons sit at a long table, eating from trays.

HOMER

Mmm.  Old people know how to make beans the way I like 'em.  Cooked with a lot of ham, 'til they taste like ham.  

(THEN, TO GRAMPA)

What are you so sad about, old man?

GRAMPA

For once I thought you were going to get me the old age accoutrements I deserve, not just the ones that fulfill minimum safety standards.

HOMER

Oh, Dad.  You know if it were up to me you wouldn't even need a walker.  But we've talked about this: even if cyborg technology was that advanced,  your new legs would almost certainly be evil. 

GRAMPA

Ohhh.

HOMER

Now speed it up.  I want to beat the rush to he parking lot.

Homer point to a line of elderly people walking slowly towards the exit.

GRAMPA

Hold your horses, son.  If you eat too fast you're liable to get burrs in your belly.

Grampa holds up one of the green beans and squeezes it, pushing the beans from the pod.

LISA

Grampa, what are you doing?

GRAMPA

I like my beans beanless.

ANGLE ON: HOMER'S EYES

ANGLE ON: THE EXIT LINE

HANS MOLEMAN drives a motorized cart, verrrry slowly passing the line of old people as they inch ever-closer to the door.

HOMER

Hurry up!

GRAMPA

Just... a... minute.

Grampa spears his last green bean and slowly brings it to his mouth, places it inside, and chews slowly, as Homer sweats.  Grampa finally swallows and a SIREN goes off and lights flash.  ANDY GRIFFITH appears, wearing a white suit.

HOMER

What the who?

ANDY GRIFFITH

Mr. Abraham J. Simpson?

GRAMPA

Andy Griffith?

ANDY GRIFFITH

(CHUCKLES WARMLY)

That's right Mr. Simpson -- and for being the elderly person to take the longest time to eat his lunch, the Expo would like to award you this diamond encrusted cane.

Andy hands him a cane, covered with sparkling diamonds.  The Simpsons OOH.

ANDY GRIFFITH (CONT'D)

And Season One of Matlock on DVD, with my commentary on three episodes.

Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart, and Maggie are blank-faced

ANDY GRIFFITH (CONT'D)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I must return to my glamorous Hollywood lifestyle.

Grampa clutches at Andy Griffith's jacket. 

GRAMPA

Take me with you, Andy -- to where the applesauce is pureed fresh each morning, and the orderlies don't steal your morphine.

ANDY GRIFFITH

Sure, Grampa.  Sure I will.  I'll... catch!

Andy tosses the DVDs to Grampa, who releases Andy's jacket to catch them.

ANDY GRIFFITH (CONT'D)

So long, sucker!

Andy Griffith pulls a fishing rod from his jacket, and CASTS the line towards the ceiling.  His lure hooks on the skylight and he reels himself up, CRASHING through to the roof.  He jumps off the building.  A beat.  Then, a helicopter rises up, REVEALING Andy hanging from it.  It flies away, as Andy's LAUGHTER fades.

GRAMPA

(DEJECTED)

Oh.

BART

Cheer up, Grampa.  At least you got a cool cane.

HOMER

And you're gonna try it out.  C'mon, old man!

Homer grabs the others and hustles them out the door, cutting in front of Hans Moleman's cart, which tips over and bursts into flames.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD CONVENTION CENTER - CONTINUOUS

The center is on fire, and the convention-goers flee.

INT. SPRINGFIELD CONVENTION CENTER - CONTINUOUS

Hans Moleman is still inside, pinned beneath his cart.  Fiery debris rains down.  

HaNS MOLEMAN

I've led a full life. Wait... no.

INT. SPRINGFIELD RETIREMENT CASTLE - DAY

Grampa, JASPER, and the CRAZY OLD MAN sit in chairs.  Grampa holds his cane.

GRAMPA

...And that's the story of the day I ate green beens.

JASPER

Hrm.

Crazy old man

Eh.

GRAMPA

What's going on?  Your grunts seem more indifferent than usual.

CRAZY OLD MAN

Nothing.

JASPER

Just seems strange -- man with a fancy cane wanting to spend time with us.

GRAMPA

Oh!  You're jealous.

JASPER

Nope.  Ain't jealous.  Just figure, with a cane like that, maybe you're too good for our sittin' club.

GRAMPA

(DEFIANTLY)

Maybe I am.  Maybe it's time I do a little walking.  

EXT. SPRINGFIELD RETIRMENT CASTLE - coNTINUOUS

Grampa FLINGS the door open, clutching his cane.

ANGLE UP ON GRAMPA:

He struts down the sidewalk like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever.

MUSIC: "STAYIN' ALIVE" BY THE BEE GEES

REVEAL DISCO STU, behind him.  He holds a boom box.

GRAMPA

Shut that music off!

Disco Stu hits the boom box.  

MUSIC STOPS.

DISCO STU

Sorry.  Disco Stu didn't realize he was being annoying.

ANGLE ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE STREET  

Two BUSINESSMEN are talking.  Grampa and Disco Stu are still visible in the background.

BUSINESSMAN ONE

...And so I said, "Give me your leverage and a place to stand, and I could move your WorldCom."

BuSINESSMAN TWO

That's hilarious.  Hilarious and business-related.

He notices Grampa across the street.

BUSINESSMAN TWO (CONT'D)

Hold on there, Brad.  Do you see what I see?

BUSINESSMAN ONE

Hello you beautiful old thing.  Good eye, Jerry.  He's just the sort of hip elderly gentleman we're looking for.

BUSINESSMAN TWO

I'll say he is.  Just look at the bling on that tricked-out cane.

(THEN, OMINOUS)

Get the car.

ANGLE ON GRAMPA AND DISCO STU

The businessmen's car SCREECHES to a halt in front of them.

BUSINESSMAN TWO (CONT'D)

(TO GRAMPA)

Get in.

He grabs Grampa and pulls him into the car.

GRAMPA

Are you from the Soylent Green factory?

Disco Stu watches the car drive off.  He flips the cassette over and hits play.

MUSIC: "DON'T LEAVE ME THIS WAY" BY THELMA HOUSTON

CLOSE UP ON DISCO STU

A single tear rolls down his face.

DISCO STU

Disco Stu thought he'd made a friend.

INT. TV STUDIO - DAY

Grampa sits in a makeup chair, preparing to go on set.  The businessmen are with him, as are Homer, Bart, and Lisa

GRAMPA

Why am I here, again?

BUSINESSMAN ONE

We're paying you to appear in the ad campaign for our new MP3 player.

GRAMPA

(TO HOMER)

Then why are you here, boy?

HOMER

Remember?  You signed your power of attorney over to me that day you fell asleep in a cold bath and thought you were in a coma.

GRAMPA

And why am I here?

BUSINESSMAN TWO

(SIGHS)

We believe there's no better way to market a youth-oriented technology than by having a totally extreme old person as our spokesman.

HOMER

Grampa, a spokesman?  That's hilarious!

LISA

But why, dad?  What's so amusing about it?

HOMER

Because old people doing things they don't normally do is funny.  Duh, Lisa!

BUSINESSMAN TWO

Exactly.  And our research suggests that said old person is twenty percent more hilarious when busting a move, and up to thirty percent more hilarious when rapping.

HOMER

(LAUGHING)

A rapping old person!  Stop, you're killing me!

The director, SENIOR SPIELBERGO, comes over and helps Grampa take his place in front of the camera. Grampa just stands, confused, and looks at the MP3 player.

GRAMPA

Which one of these buttons starts the mini-victrola?

BUSINESSMAN TWO

Don't just stand there!  You're enjoying the digital revolution -- dance!

GRAMPA

Which one do you want?  I can do the Mooch 'n' Sugar, or the Lindy Hop.

SPIELBERGO

Ay!  Que lastima!

HOMER

Dad, no-one wants to see those old moves!  You need a hot guitar lick, like this.

Homer plays air guitar.

MUSIC: ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF

LISA

Where's that guitar coming from?

Bart

(SHRUGS)

Mmn-mn.

They look around.  REVEAL Disco Stu, behind Lisa and Bart.  The music is coming from his boom box.

DiSCO STU

Disco Stu sold his boom box to your dad. Disco Stu has joined the modern age!

Disco Stu holds up an MP3 player.  STAYING ALIVE can be heard faintly, from his headphones.  He dances.

DiSCO STU (CONT'D)

Ohhhh yeah!

Homer stumbles all over the set, still "playing," and he finally collapses, bumping the craft services table on the way down.  A plate of shrimp tips over, and the food slides into Homer's mouth.  LINDSAY NAGLE ENTERS.

LINDSAY NAGLE

Outstanding!  Mr. Simpson, I'm Lindsay Nagle...

HOMER

(MOUTH FULL OF SHRIMP)

MMMmlo.

LINDSAY NAGLE

...and I'm interested in your fresh take on edge.  You're just the sort of radical thinker I'm looking for.  How would you like to be the new programming director for Springfield's only Christian channel?

LISA

Springfield has a Christian channel?

LINDSAY NAGLE

Sort of. From five a.m. until Midnight, it's Spike TV.

HOMER

(REVERENTLY)

Television for men.

LINDSAY NAGLE

You wouldn't know it with all those "Passion of the Christ" dollars, but religious television is a real money-loser.  We need someone who's not afraid to milk Johnny God-A-Lot for all he's worth.

LISA

Ms. Nagle, didn't Jesus say that we should render unto Ceasar what is Ceasar's?

LINDSAY NAGLE

Exactly.  If Jesus doesn't want the money, why not give it to us?

HOMER

This would be my chance to run a whole network! Although I was holding out for the WB...

(THEN)

Ms. Nagle, I'll do it!

(TO BART)

Boy, quit my job for me.

ANGLE ON BART

He's on a cell phone.

BART

Already on it, Dad.

LINDSAY NAGLE

Excellent.  Then it's settled.

They all stand, doing nothing.

LISA

Shouldn't you let your partners know about this deal?

LINDSAY NAGLE

Oh, I don't work here.  I just sneak on set because they have sangria.

She takes a big GULP.

LINDSAY NAGLE (CONT'D)

It's not really alcohol, because it's just wine and fruit! Well, gotta run!

Lindsay EXITS, quickly.  Grampa ENTERS.

GRAMPA

Can we go now?  I'm tired.  

HOMER

Aw, dad.  Sure we can go home – just as soon as you give me the money you would made if you had completed the commercial.

Grampa reluctantly opens his wallet and hands Homer some cash. Homer waves his hand.

HOMER (CONT'D)

Keep it coming.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
FADE IN:

INT. CHRISTIAN STATION HEAD OFFICE - DAY

Homer and Lisa are in Homer's new office.  Homer takes down a picture of Jesus.  In its place, he hangs a framed photo of him standing with his arm around Richard Kiel as "Jaws" from Moonraker.  It reads "HOMER, YOU'VE GOT A LICENCE TO THRILL! -- RICHARD KIEL."

HOMER

There.  Now that's done...

He picks up a Bible.

HOMER (CONT'D)

Lisa, what about the coverage I asked for on this thing?

LISA

Dad, Christianity is one of the oldest religions in the world.  I don't feel right reducing the Bible to bullet points.  Besides, I'm a Buddhist.

HOMER

Oh, Jesus, Buddha, L. Ron Hubbard -- aren't the really just different words for the same thing?

LISA

Maybe if you're Unitarian...

HOMER

What I'm trying to say is: you can work for me, or against me.  And, historically speaking, my chances of ruining religion are slightly less with you on my side.

LISA

(SADLY)

It's the old conundrum: Join a corrupt system, or remain powerless on the outside.

HOMER

That's right, sweetie.  Daddy's just teaching you a depressing lesson about life.

Lisa SIGHS and hands over some paper.

HOMER (CONT'D)

Lisa, there are some very interesting ideas in here!

LISA

Christianity appreciates your support.

HOMER

I just have a few minor creative notes.  Number one: will the audience buy that Jesus has miraculous abilities because he's the son of God?  Maybe, instead, Jesus could receive his powers from the Earth's yellow sun.

LISA

Dad, the holy trinity of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost is one of the basic tenants.

HOMER

Yes, about this Holy Ghost character – what if he had a sidekick?  Perhaps a good witch, named Wendy.

LISA

Please credit me as "Alan Smithee."

INT. FLANDERS' DEN - MIDNIGHT

Flanders holds a plate with Moon Pies and sits down in the recliner in front of the TV.

NED

(TO SELF)

You deserve an occasional nighttime treat, Neddy: an extra-long prayer at dinner, two Moon Pies for dessert, and  – now that the boys are in bed – a little inoffensive Christian TV.

Ned turns on the television.

(ON TV)

HOMER (V.O.)

Next up on Springfield's number one crucifixion station: The 50 Hottest Girls of the Bible.

NED 

What in the King James Version?

The following interviews appear in the talking head style of VH1's pop culture shows.

CAPTION: "LENNY LEONARD AND CARL CARLSON -- LOCAL HETEROSEXUAL COUPLE"

LENNY

Definitely Lot's Wife.  She was worth braving fire and brimstone for.

CARL

Now that's a pillar of salt I'd lick!

Lenny and Carl HIGH-FIVE.

CAPTION: "BARNEY GUMBLE -- IMBIBER"

BARNEY

I'd have to say Ruth.  She's one of only two eponymous women immortalized by books of the Bible, and she rose from humble beginnings to join Israel's royal family of Jesus and King David.

(BELCHES)

CAPTION: "MOE SYZLAK -- COCKTAIL STYLIST"

MOE

What about that, uh, Erica Eleniak.  Is she in the Bible?

NED

What happened to the show about the young minister and his attractive but sin-free children?  Well sir, we're gonna see about this.

INT. HOMER'S OFFICE - DAY

Ned storms in and addresses Homer, who sits at the desk with his back to Ned.

NED

I demand to see the station manager!

Homer turns to face Ned.  He wears a priest's collar.

HOMER

Then speak, my son.  For it is only in speaking that ye shall be ignored.

NED

Homer?  You're in charge?

HOMER

It was bound to happen sooner or later, Ned.  It was obvious that I have the sort of unique religious vision that electrifies the public.

(BITTERLY)

Took them long enough to notice.

NED

But you're not qualified to run a Christian station.  You only show up for the first five minutes of Bible study, and that's to grab all the coffee cake and eat it in your car.

Homer plays with his executive desk toy, which, instead of the usual silver balls on wires, is a series of small crosses.  He pulls one, and they CLICK back and forth.

HOMER

You make a good point, Ned.  That coffee cake is delicious.  But let me make a point in return.  Was Noah qualified when the burning bush told him to kill his son?  No, but he did it anyway.  Because ours is a bloodthirsty God, who demands constant ritual sacrifice, and such-and-such.  I hope that answers your question.

NED

Answers my...?  What the diddly?

HOMER

(PUSHING NED OUT)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some product placement to attend to.  I need to work a search engine into ancient Jerusalem.  Maybe you can help: what would Jesus Yahoo?

NED

Oh, I get it!  It's about the money.

HOMER

Of course.  What else?

NED

Just remember this, Homer.  It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.

HOMER

Ned!  You just gave me a great idea!

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. TELEVISION STUDIO - LATER

Circus set.  KRUSTY stands in front of MR. BURNS, SMITHERS, COLONEL O'HARA, and ARTHUR FORTUNE.

KRUSTY

Hey-hey!  Welcome to Soul Survivor, where rich jerks compete for absolution so they won't get char-grilled in hell!

Krusty HONKS his horn and laughs.

KRUSTY (CONT'D)

Here's our first loaded schnook: industrialist C. Montgomery Burns.  Mr. Burns, to avoid eternal damnation, you have to get your camel through this flaming needle.  Good luck!

Mr. Burns wanly tries to push the camel through an oversized needle.

MR. BURNS

Ugh.  Smithers, shift this infernal dromedary, would you?

Smithers leans against the camel with his full weight.

MR. BURNS (CONT'D)

Come, man, this isn't a petting zoo!

Mr. Burns pulls out a whip and hits Smithers.

SMITHERS

Gah!

The camel lurches forward, and Smithers falls into the flaming needle.  He bursts into flame, and runs around, screaming.  Burns does an arthritic victory dance.

MR. BURNS

Lucifer, I've outsmarted you again!

ANGLE ON HOMER AND NED

NED

This is awful!

HOMER

(PHILOSOPHICALLY)

Yeah, but what are you gonna do?

NED

I know what I'm going to do.  I'm going to start my own television station -- a rival Christian station, and we'll see who's more God-diddly-oddily.

Homer begins walking Ned out.

HOMER

You should start your own station, Ned.  The airwaves belong to the public, and to any broadcaster who can afford the significant license fees and crushing start-up costs.  Good luck!

He SLAMS the door after Ned, leaving him alone outside.

NED

Oooh!

INT. FLANDERS' DEN - LATER

Ned paces angrily, holding a bible.

NED

I'll show Homer!  I'll do a comprehensive and respectful adaptation of the Bible, and we'll just see what the public watches.  Now, to start with Genesis...

He skims a page.  A beat.

NED (CONT'D)

(TAKEN ABACK)

I don't remember there being so much nudity in here.

EXT. FLANDRS' HOUSE - MORNING

A sign in the front yard reads "MAJOR CHRISTIAN TELEVISION PRODUCTION CASTING TODAY."  In smaller letters, "SOME FIG-LEAFLESSNESS REQUIRED."

Ned sits in the backyard, behind a long folding table.  He is flanked by ROD AND TODD.  A long line of women extends in front of them.  AGNES SKINNER steps forward.

AGNES

I'm here to audition for Eve.

NED

I have to say, Mrs. Skinner, that the Bible doesn't say anything about Eve being a -- an elderly woman.

AGNES

Doesn't say she isn't!  Typical media conception of feminine beauty.  

NED

Well, let's just mark you down as a maybe, all righty?

Agnes EXITS, grumbling.  MRS. KRABAPPLE steps forward, wearing a kimono.

MRS. KRABAPPLE

I'm here for Eve.

NED

Mrs. Krabapple?  Well, why don't you tell me why you're interested in this project.

MRS. KRABAPPLE

(SEDUCTIVE)

Eve was the original temptress, right?  And who's more tempting than me?

NED

(NERVOUS)

Ha ha.  I'm not sure...

Mrs. KRABAPPLE

(VERY QUICK)

I'm a teacher, so I can supply my own apple.

NED

Well, that just sweetens the deal!  Welcome aboard.  

(TO THE LINE)

Everyone, thanks for coming out, but I won't be needing you.

PAN over line of grumbling women, as they disperse.  RANIER WOLFCASTLE is in the line, wearing a dress.  He removes a long blonde wig and throws it on the ground, furious.

NED

We'll just put you through wardrobe, and we'll be shooting in no time!

MRS. KRABAPPLE

Oh, don't bother.  I brought my own.

Mrs. Krabapple drops her kimono.  We see from Ned's reaction that she is nude.  Rod and Todd stare at her.

ROD

Dad, I feel funny.

NED

Don't worry, Rod; those feelings are perfectly unnatural.  My advice is just to repress the dickens out of them.

Rod and Todd squeeze their eyes tightly shut, and GROAN.

ROD

It worked, dad!  They're gone!

TODD

Can we go listen to our original cast recording of Godspell now?

NED

Well, sure.

ROD & TODD

Yay!

They RUN to the house.

NED

Those two sure enjoy their musicals.

MONTAGE

MUSIC: "PREPARE YE THE WAY OF THE LORD" FROM GODSPELL

Mrs. Krabapple and Ned are dressed only in leaves.  Ned removes a snake from a cage, and places it in an apple tree.  It bites him and Ned falls from the tree.  Mrs. Krabapple removes a cigarette from her breast foliage and lights it.

Rod (dressed as Cain) hits Todd (dressed as Abel) with a brick.  Tod falls to the ground, and fake blood spills from his wound.  Ned is filming.  Tod opens his eyes and gives Ned a smile and a thumbs up.  Ned returns the gesture.

Ned HAMMERS at an ark.  He leads some squirrels and mice up the ramp, two-by-two – but when two rabbits snuggle close to one another, he pushes them apart and points to a sign on the ark, which reads "NO FRATERNIZING."

END MONTAGE

INT. FLANDERS'S HOUSE - DEN - DAY

Ned holds a videotape.

NED

There -- book one done!  Now all we have to do is wait for the ratings.

SMASH CUT TO:

Ned, holding the ratings.

NeD (CONT'D)

A zero share?  How can this be?  Who are these Nielsen families, anyway?

EXT. CLETUS' SHACK - DAY

CLETUS and BRANDINE sit in rocking chairs on the porch, in front of a tiny television.

CLETUS

But Brandine, I wants to watch Arrested Development, Mitchell Hurwitz's nuanced dissection of th' dysfunctional upper class.

BRANDINE

Fergit it, Cletus.  You knows my show 'bout animals what attacks models's on.

CLETUS

O-kay.

INT. FLANDERS'S HOUSE - DEN - CONTINUOUS

Ned crumples the ratings.

NED

There's just one thing left to do.

EXT. CHRISTIAN STATION - NIGHT

Ned crouches in the bushes, wearing all black and a dark stocking cap. He jimmies open a window and CLIMBS IN.

INT. HOMER'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

NED

There must be something in here I can use to shut this station down.

Ned opens a filing cabinet to snoop.

NED (CONT'D)

Fan letters to the Cookie Crisp dog... a complete collection of Tandy computer "Whiz Kids" comics... expired astronaut ice cream?

Ned pulls out an official-looking document.

NED (CONT'D)

Hmn.  Their broadcaster's license expired last month, and Homer never renewed it.  I think the government might just want to hear this.

He slips the document into a manila envelope.

CUT TO:

Interior of a mailbox.  The door opens, and we see Ned's face as he inserts the envelope.

EXT. SIMPSON HOUSE -DAY

A black car pulls up to the curb.  Two official-looking men in black suits and sunglasses get out of the car.

INT. FLANDERS' HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Ned watches through his front window, then steps back.

NED

Sorry to do this to you, Homer.  But I just can't let you turn my religion into a basic cable clip show.

The doorbell RINGS.

NED (CONT'D)

Well who can that be?

(OPENING THE DOOR)

Hi diddly... ho?

REVEAL the two officials, standing outside.

FCC AGENT

Ned Flanders?

NED

Yessir.

FCC AGENT

We're with the FCC.  You're being fined $250,000 for broadcasting obscene material.

REVEAL Homer behind the agents, eating Cookie Crisp.

HOMERR

(OBLIVIOUS)

Hey, Ned!  What's up?

Ned SLAMS the door, and leans against it, WHIMPERING.

END OF ACT TWO

ACT THREE
FADE IN:

INT. FLANDERS' HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

Ned talks to the two agents.

NED

What's this about?  I'm the world's least obscene person.  I convinced the church library to go through the Bible and replace all the hells with hecks.

FCC AGENT

Do you deny that you did willfully broadcast images of innocent and childlike nudity, in a garden setting?

NED

Well, I guess you could say that.  But I just wanted to show paradise, before man ate from the tree of knowledge.  After that, he hid those sinful bits and pieces right away.  Doesn't context count for anything?

The FCC Agent hands a citation to Ned.

FCC AGENT

I'm afraid not.  In the eyes of the government, all nudity is shameful.

EXT. SPRINGFIELD CHRISTIAN CHURCH - DAY

The sign in front reads "SOFTEST PEWS IN TOWN."

INT. REVEREND LOVEJOY'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Ned is talking to REVEREND LOVEJOY.

NED

So that's the story Reverend.  If I don't deliver $250,000 by the end of the week, they'll repossess my house.

LOVEJOY

Oh that's just terrible, Ned.  I'll be sure to pray for you.

NED

Actually, Reverend, I was hoping that you might be able to help me in a more, uh, earthly way.  I've donated so much to the church over the years, I thought maybe it could extend me a small loan.

LOVEJOY

Ooh, sorry Ned.  All the collection money has gone right back into purchasing these solid gold collection plates.

Lovejoy holds up a collection plate.  It gleams.

LOVEJOY (CONT'D)

So, you see, my hands are tied. 

NED

Is this because I wouldn't cast you in my TV show?

LOVEJOY

I did star in our production of Hair at seminary.

INT. SIMPSON DINING ROOM - EVENING

The entire Simpson family is eating dinner.  The doorbell RINGS.

INT. SIMPSON HOUSE - FOYER - CONTINUOUS

Homer OPENS the door to REVEAL Ned standing outside.

HOMER 

What do you want, Flanders?

NED

Hey there neighbor, sorry to break up your dinner hour, but I was wondering if I could ask you a favor.

HOMER

(THREATENING)

Keep wondering.

NED 

It seems I'm in a bit of a pickle with the FCC.  I owe them quite a bit of money, and I had to mortgage the Leftorium.  Problem is, I need to deposit the money in the bank tonight.  Could you take it in for me?

HOMER

Why don't you go?

NED

Well, I would, but it seems they're auctioning off my possessions.  I'd kinda like to keep an eye on things.

REVEAL an auction on Flanders' front lawn.  The GENERIC MIDDLE-AGED SARCASTIC WORKER is the auctioneer.

SARCASTIC WORKER

Next up, we got a complete set of Bible action figures.  Who wouldn't want to re-enact the book of Habakkuk with these figures?

COMIC BOOK GUY

Pfft.  Out of the original packaging, they're worthless.

NED

So what do you say, Homer?  Will you help me out?

HOMER

(YELLING)

Marge!  Is there any dessert?

MARGE

No!

HOMER 

(WARMLY)

Of course I will, old friend.

INT. SPRINGFIELD BANK - NIGHT

Homer ENTERS the Bank, passing Mr. Burns and Smithers.  Burns sits in a wheelchair, like Mr. Potter in "It's a Wonderful Life."  Homer has Flanders' money wrapped in a comic book.

SMITHERS

Simpson.  Haven't seen you around recently.

HOMER

Well, you know, Mr. Smithers.  I've been tending to my flock.

MR. BURNS

Ah yes, the televised Judeo-flim-flam program.

(TO SMITHERS)

Helpful to have a man of the cloth around the plant, on occasion.  Distracts from all the evil.

HOMER

Ooh!  Lollipops!  Hold this for me, Mr. Burns.

Homer hands Mr. Burns the comic book with the money, and runs over to a bowl of lollipops at the teller's window.

MR. BURNS

(SPYING THE CASH)

Ahoy-hoy, what's this?

HOMER

Aw!  Root beer!  Oh well, can't win 'em all.  See you later, Burnsie!

Homer EXITS, cheerfully sucking on his lollipop.

MR. BURNS

Smithers, wheel me home, so I can deposit this windfall in my money bin.

SMITHERS

You mean your strongbox, sir?

MR. BURNS

Whatever you want to call it!  All I know is that it protects my money from those horrible Beagle Boys.

SMITHERS

You mean those stray puppies that sleep behind the mansion?

MR. BURNS

(IRRITATED)

Yes!

EXT. SIMPSON BACK YARD Ð DAY

Homer lies in his hammock.  Ned peeks over the fence.

NED

Say, Homer, I just called the bank, and they said my account is overdrawn by a couple hundred thousand dollars.  You wouldn't have had any problem depositing that cash, would you?

HOMER

I took it in last night. What can I say?  Sometimes the bank errs in your favor, and sometimes you pay a poor tax of $15.

NED

Don't I know it.  Well, then, just give me the deposit slip and that should clear it all up in a jiff.

HOMER

What am I, your accountant?

NED

I suppose you're right. I should figure this mess out myself.  Sorry to bother you, Homer.

Ned EXITS.

INT. SIMPSON LIVING ROOM Ð EVENING

Homer lies on the couch with a beer, watching TV.  Marge ENTERS, with Lisa.

MARGE

Homer, I'm worried about Ned.

HOMER

I'm worried about Ned too, but you don't see me complaining to you about it.

MARGE

(DISAPPROVING MURMUR)

LISA

Dad!  Mr. Flanders might lose everything!

HOMER

Oh, Lisa, you're always such an alarmist.  "Global warming is melting the ice caps!"  "Flanders is going to lose his house!"  "Our carbon monoxide detector is at dangerous levels!"  Flanders will be fine.

LISA

Maybe so, dad.  If you can look into your heart of hearts and say that you honestly contributed nothing to Mr. Flanders' situation, perhaps you can live with doing nothing to help him.  But even if you don't feel you're at fault, as the director of a Christian station you should remember – "love thy neighbor as thyself."

HOMER

Who said that?

LISA

(DRYLY)

Guess.

EXT. FLANDERS HOUSE - NIGHT

Homer approaches Ned's front door.

HOMER

(TO SELF)

Stupid Lisa and her centuries-old wisdom.

He KNOCKS loudly.

HOMER (CONT'D)

(YELLING)

Flanders!  Get out here and reassure me that everything's going to be all right for you!  Flanders!

Rod and Todd OPEN the door.

ROD

He's not here, Mr. Simpson.  He told me to take care of Todd, and that he was going on a long trip to meet God.

HOMER

(GROANS)

That sounds awfully metaphorical.

EXT. BRIDGE - NIGHT

Ned stands on the bridge, staring down at the water.

NED

(TO SELF)

Okay, Neddy. Here goes.

He steps up on the guard rail.

NED (CONT'D)

Well, Lord, I don't know why you've chosen to test me, but you can't shake Ned Flanders that easy.  And to prove it, I'm going to get re-baptized, right in the river where I dunked Rod and Todd.

Homer DRIVES UP in his car, and SCREECHES to a stop, just as Ned leaps off the bridge.

HOMER

Ned, no!  You used to have so much to live for!

Homer jumps after Ned, and grabs him.  The two immediately begin to sink.

NED

What the--?  Homer, what are you doing?

HOMER

(DROWNING)

I'm... rescuing... you!

NED

I don't need rescued!  Homer, you're too big; you're pulling us down!

HOMER

You couldn't resist making a crack about my weight, could you, Flanders?

The two of them sink, only to be rescued at the last minute by an arm pulling them back up.  It's the SEA CAPTAIN, and he helps them into his boat.

NED

Thank the Lord for guiding you to us!

SEA CAPTAIN

'Tis my pleasure.  I was on a salvage run.  By maritime law, ye now both be my property.

HOMER

I'm sorry for all that's happened Ned -- but even if you lose everything, that's no reason to kill yourself.

NED

Kill myself?  I wasn't committing suicide.  That's a mortal sin!

HOMER

Pfft.  Now you tell me.

NED

(SIGHS)

I suppose this is my fault.  All this happened because I couldn't stand what you were doing with the station... but I shouldn't have tried to sabotage you.

HOMER

Ned, I had no idea this Bible stuff meant so much to you.  Tell you what.  Let me pay off your debt.

NED

Homer, that's awfully sweet of you, but where are you going to get $250,000?

HOMER

Are you kidding?  With licensing, I made that much the first week.  Turns out, Jesus is one of the most recognizable figures in the world.  Here, have a t-shirt.

Homer pulls out a shirt that says JESUS SAVES... AT THE FIRST BANK OF SPRINGFIELD!  Ned looks disapproving.

HOMER (CONT'D)

But more importantly, how would you like to take over as head of programming?

NED

Really?  You mean it Homer?

HOMER

I do.  I've learned my lesson.  Religion should only be presented in ways irrelevant to modern audiences.

NED

Homer, with God and you on my side, I'm sure to succeed.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. CHRISTIAN STATION OFFICES - DAY

CLOSE-UP ON NED'S FACE

NED

Cancelled?!

LINDSAY NAGLE

That's right.  Turns out our market research says that religious programming makes our audience feel "preached to."

NED

What ratings-grabbing sensationalism is replacing us?

LINDSAY NAGLE

(CONSULTING CHART)

Color bars.  They tested surprisingly well, especially among men 18 to 22.  

She EXITS, Homer puts his hand on Ned's shoulder.

HOMER

Sorry, old friend.

NED

(SIGHS)

That's all right.

HOMER

I'm sure – with a little time – your station would've been great, Ned.

NED

Thanks, Homer.

With his arm still around Ned's shoulder, Homer opens the door and they walk out into the sunny day beyond.

NED (CONT'D)

You know, your channel wasn't so bad itself...  At least it was better than PAX.

HOMER

Amen, Ned.  Amen.

FADE OUT:

THE END

For earlier posts, check out the archive. In my other life, I’m a podcaster. Listen to my show The Flop House, here. In my other other life, I’m an Emmy-winning comedy writer. If you’re looking to staff, get in touch! And if you love the newsletter, you can always consider tipping me, by enrolling in the paid tier!