Misty Watercolor Memories
Presuming that our current political hellscape doesn't fuck my travel, I'll be on the road when this newsletter drops, for two Flop House live shows in Chicago (as of this writing there are still a few tix left for the late show). Thus, I dug into my trunk for some older writing to run – but this trip down memory lane comes with a fun anecdote, so gather 'round the warm glow of your computer/phone, kiddies!
In a past Special Interests, I shared an unproduced script I wrote for The Simpsons, but that wasn't my very first stab at a spec sitcom episode. My first try was an episode of Scrubs, a show that was relatively new and "hot" at the time of my writing, which is how they used to advise people to pick a show (check out that previous post for a fuller discussion of writing spec scripts).
Around the same time, I was also contributing short humor pieces to Jest Magazine, a humor magazine printed on honest-to-goodness actual paper (back when such things were possible), and edited by my friend Ritch Duncan, the man behind Deathbed – "Horror Stories by Comedy Writers."
One of my Jest articles was a report from the SCV Awards, or "Softys" – an imaginary awards show for Cinemax-style erotica, that I claimed had been "dubbed the 'Soft-core Oscars' by Cat Fancy."
It was (as you'd imagine) a pretty juvenile piece, but it had some okay jokes. The award categories were stuff like "Most Arbitrary Shower Scene," with nominees including "the 'sprinkler malfunction' in Lawn Tarts" and "The bathroom supply store demonstration of 'how a shower works,' in Passion for Sale."
Anyway, as part of this piece, I claimed that Misty Mundae was awarded the "coveted Tweed Panties" (named after actress Shannon Tweed) "for her lifetime contribution to the field of sex-like entertainment," and I promise that this will all become relevant soon. Pinky swear. Starting in the next paragraph or two, even.
Y'see, unlike every other non-Shannon Tweed name I used in the piece, Misty Mundae is a real person (or at least the stage name of actual actress Erin Brown). I shouted her out because – I will freely admit – as someone who's watched his share of premium cable near-smut, I always had a li'l crush on Ms. Mundae. Among a field of buxom Playboy-comic-style sight gags, she was more "cute" than her peers, and she was also a funny actress with a lot of presence who knew how to deliver a joke – and that was a key talent, because Misty made movies with Seduction Cinema, a company known for campy horror pictures like the giant bug movie Bite Me, or sex spoofs like Playmate of the Apes and Lord of the G-Strings. I liked these movies (he typed, wondering if sometimes it would be better if he was willing to share LESS openly about himself) because they were willing to make sexiness silly, rather than grim or potentially punishing.
Turns out that Seduction Cinema had a news alert for their starlets, and a woman from the company reached out to me over email asking for a "press clipping" of the Jest humor piece where I mentioned Misty Mundae. I happily sent them some copies of the magazine, and – on a whim – I included a copy of my Scrubs spec script, with a note saying, essentially, "Hey, I'm an aspiring writer. I assume you have plenty of people in-house, but if you're ever looking for anyone else to write material for your spoofs, hit me up. Here's a sample."
I figured any road into paid writing work was a good road. Hell, Jonathan Demme, Martin Scorsese, James Cameron and a ton of others all came out of making exploitation films for Roger Corman. Later on James Gunn would get his start working for Troma. Who was I to turn up my nose at softcore sex spoofs (and ones that I actually found pretty charming)?
I can't recall the name of the woman who phoned me about a week later, but she could not have been nicer. She talked to me for about half an hour while I was on lunch break from my temp job. She told me that basically everything they made was written in house by one guy, but that she loved my script – she watched Scrubs and thought I'd done a great job capturing the characters – and she thought I was clearly talented and that she was convinced I'd go far.
Sometimes you get encouragement from your parents. Sometimes you get encouragement from a partner. And sometimes you get desperately needed encouragement from a stranger at a New Jersey nudie video production house, who also sends you a free copy of SpiderBabe on DVD.
Anyway, I eventually found a different, more "respectable" way into writing, but I'm sharing that Scrubs script with you below (after an introduction so long it totally removed any time-saving value from digging out old material). It has some outdated attitudes – mostly from the characters, but some come from a younger, stupider me. If I wrote this today, it would definitely have more and better jokes, but as my very first crack at a sitcom script? I have to agree with that kind Seduction Cinema lady – I had potential.
"My Fake Family"
Cold open
INT. ICU - DAY
DR. COX is making his rounds, with J.D. in tow.
J.D. (V.O.)
Working with Dr. Cox, you spend a lot of time waiting for three little words.
DR. COX
Listen up, Charlene.
J.D. (V.O.)
Those are the ones.
DR. COX
I need something important and, god help me, I thought of you.
J.D. FANTASIZES various things Dr. Cox could need him for:
INT. I.C.U. (FANTASY)
ANGLE ON J.D., as he pulls back a hospital curtain.
J.D.
Hel-lo Mr. President!
INT. O.R. (FANTASY)
Dr. Cox and J.D. lie side by side, with matching scars.
J.D.
Now we're kidney buddies!
INT. HALLWAY (FANTASY)
Dr. Cox, DR. KELSO, the JANITOR, and J.D., wear matching striped barbershop quartet outfits.
DR. COX, DR. KELSO, and JANITOR
(singing)
Sweet Adeline...
J.D.
(very low bass)
My Adeline.
BACK TO REALITY:
J.D.
I'll have to get my suit out of storage.
Dr. Cox whistles.
DR. COX
While I'd love to stand here while you have another one of your adorable little psychotic breaks, there are people dying in this hospital with alarming frequency, so let's just move this along, m-kay? Today is Jordan and my anniversary, which I forgot until... oh, let's say 38 seconds ago... so she'll be receiving a lovely evening at The Olive Garden. Which means we need someone to watch Jack. And, since babysitters are traditionally prepubescent girls, I naturally thought of you.
J.D.
One question: would that be the anniversary of your marriage, divorce, when you started sleeping together again, or when she moved back in with you?
DR. COX
Don't get frisky.
INT. PATIENT ROOM – DAY
TURK ENTERS the room, followed by TODD
TURK
Have you ever seen an aorta repaired with such style?
TODD
M'boy has mad aorta skills.
TURK
I-orta get a medal for it.
TODD
M'boy has mad punning skills.
TURK
Dude, I've been acing every procedure lately. Nothing can shake me.
Turk looks down at the patient, JIMMY LENOVER.
TURK
(surprised)
Jimbo?
JIMMY
Butterball?
INT. CAFETERIA -- DAY
J.D., Turk, CARLA, and ELLIOT sit at a table.
TURK
Out of all the wards in all the hospitals, in all the world, why did he have to end up in mine?
J.D.
I dunno, man. Should I "round up the usual suspects?"
J.D. laughs. Carla glares at him.
J.D. (CONT'd)
(trailing off)
Because of... Casablanca.
TURK
This is Jimmy Lenover. The kid who made everyone call me Butterball all through grade school.
CARLA
You were never fat as a kid.
TURK
Turk... Turkey? Butterball...
ELLIOTT
Oh... clever.
TURK
He'd torture me in a different way every day. One time he pinned me down and made me listen to a tape of "Puttin' on the Ritz" over and over again.
J.D.
I like that song.
J.D. FANTASIZES that he's Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein, and he does a soft shoe down the hall, towards the Janitor.
J.D.
When you're blue and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits?
He POINTS to the Janitor, who moans, monster-like.
JANITOR
Puttinontheritz!
BACK TO REALITY:
TURK
Not the fun Mel Brooks version. The one by "Taco."
J.D. FANTASIZES that he's Taco. He sings and dances, but this time, when he points to the Janitor, the Janitor punches him in the face.
BACK TO REALITY:
CARLA
That must be why you started to work out. So I have him to thank for Turk Jr. and little Carlita.
She indicates each of his biceps in turn, kissing the one closest to her.
J.D.
I thought you were going to name the left one after me.
TURK
Dude! (surreptitious whisper) I did.
J.D.
At least you have real work problems. I can't believe Dr. Cox is using me for free labor.
ELLIOTT
He's not paying you?
J.D.
He gave me fridge privileges, but he's still officially a bachelor. He's only got beer and mustard.
J.D. stands up with his tray.
J.D. (CONT'D)
I gotta make my rounds. Later, Butterball.
TURK
Later, Pee-pee-pants.
J.D.
You promised!
Elliott stands and approaches J.D.
ELLIOTT
Wait up -- J.D., this might be kind of a weird request, but would you mind if I tagged along tonight?
J.D.
No, why?
ELLIOTT
It's just that I've never really gotten to take care of a baby. I thought it might be fun.
J.D.
Is this because your mom wouldn't let you play with dolls?
ELLIOTT
She thought they encouraged childhood pregnancy.
J.D. and Elliott LEAVE.
TURK
You know what? I don't care what happened in grade school. I'm a surgeon now. This is my world.
CARLA
That's right, baby.
TURK
And I'm going to make my world just as miserable for him as he made school for me.
CARLA
Turk, this is a hospital. We're here to help people, not settle old scores.
TURK
Can't we do both?
Carla LEAVES in disgust.
TURK
(calling after her)
It's called multitasking
End of cold open
ACT ONE
INT. DR. COX'S APARTMENT – NIGHT
J.D. and Elliott sit on the couch. J.D. holds the baby in his lap and a long piece of paper in his hand.
J.D.
Is it insulting Dr. Cox left us so many rules?
ELLIOTT
At least he trusts you enough to let you hold him. I don't think I have "the maternal instincts of a postpartum black widow," do you?
J.D.
You? Please. You'd make a great mom.
ELLIOTT
(warmly)
Really?
She smiles at him; they share a moment. J.D. turns back to the list.
J.D.
For one thing, you wouldn't make up a list of rules so your kid grows up to be a neurotic freak. Like what about number seven? – "Don't zone out while holding the baby." who does that?
ELLIOTT
And what about how he added an extra one when he saw I tagged along? "Number Ten – don't have sex in front of the baby." Yeah, that's gonna happen.
J.D. zones out. In J.D.'s FANTASY, Jack sits on the floor with sex noises from just out of frame. J.D. ENTERS frame with the long paper of rules held strategically in front of his nakedness. He turns Jack so he's facing the other direction, and runs back out.
BACK TO REALITY:
J.D.
(laughing too loudly)
I know, right?
ELLIOTT
Like we'd ever have sex again.
J.D.
(stops laughing)
I heard that kids don't really remember anything until they're two.
ELLIOTT
What?
J.D.
I just... read it somewhere.
ELLIOTT
Hey, can I give him his bottle?
J.D.
Sure you don't want to try this on for size?
He holds up a breast pump. Elliott laughs.
J.D. (V.O.)
This is great. I haven't felt this comfortable with Elliott since she let me wear her water bra.
Elliott leans in with the bottle, to feed Jack. She looks at J.D., and they realize how close their faces are. For a moment, it looks like they might kiss.
ELLIOTT
(suddenly)
Let's dress up the baby!
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Dr. Cox and JORDAN are having their anniversary dinner.
JORDAN
All I'm saying is, God forbid you make a reservation. We had to wait an hour to get seated. I was about to pass out.
Dr. COX
Oh, your blood sugar was never in danger. Not with all the courtesy mints you inhaled.
JORDAN
Look, for once I don't want us to fight.
Dr. COX
Too weak from hypoglycemia?
JORDAN
No, I wanted to talk to you about something, and it'll go easier if you're not a jackass.
Dr. Cox makes a zipping motion and sits back, silent.
JORDAN (CONT'D)
I didn't want you to take me out because it's our anniversary.
Dr. COX
Well then, what's all...
JORDAN
Oh, Perry, I could give a damn about our anniversary. I want us to get remarried.
DR. COX
(dumbfounded, then)
Jordan, you want to back up that garbage truck and drive it over me again?
JORDAN
Believe me, it's not a "feelings" thing.
DR. COX
Oh, God no.
JORDAN
I want us to get married again for Jack.
DR. COX
Traditionally, if the mother and father aren't hitched before the child is born, they aren't in a heckuva big hurry to catch up on the homework.
JORDAN
Look, I know Precious Moments is never going to do a series of figurines modeled on us, but I want our son to know that we'll always be there for him. Can't you do that... for Jack?
Dr. Cox pauses for a moment, then turns to a waiter.
Dr. COX
Is there a secret, stronger cocktail menu?
INT. DR. COX'S APARTMENT – LATER
Elliott and J.D. are standing in the middle of the apartment. Elliott holds Jack, who is dressed, inexplicably, in a tiny pink skirt.
ELLIOTT
J.D., The Itsy Bitsy Spider is not too scary for babies.
J.D.
I'm just saying that song kept me from going anywhere near a water spout until I was ten.
ELLIOTT
Why would you need to go near a water spout?
J.D.
Good point.
Jordan BURSTS IN, followed by Dr. Cox. She's clearly upset.
Dr. COX
Jordan!
JORDAN
Move it, Babysitter's Club!
She pushes past J.D. and Elliott, to lock herself in the bedroom, slamming the door on Dr. Cox.
J.D.
So, was this year's anniversary as good as last year's?
Dr. Cox growls and turns on J.D.
DR. COX
(indicating Elliott)
Why is she holding my son? Dear God, does the rule sheet mean nothing? More importantly, why is my son wearing a dress?
J.D.
It's a skirt.
Dr. Cox whistles and points to Elliott for a response.
ELLIOTT
Mom said dolls should come with a warning from the Surgeon General.
DR. COX
Pretending, for a moment, that what you just said explains anything, where did you even get the dress?
J.D. looks to correct him again on the skirt issue, then thinks better of it.
ELLIOTT
(cowed)
Brought it from home.
DR. COX
Oh that just raises more questions.
J.D.
Dr. Cox...
J.D. gestures that he would like to speak to Dr. Cox alone. Dr. Cox doesn't budge. J.D. changes tactics, gesturing for Elliott to step away from him and Dr. Cox. She sighs and moves away.
J.D.
Obviously things didn't go so well tonight, so if you need me and Elliott to stick around -- you know, to watch Jack while you talk to Jordan -- we'd be more than happy to.
DR. COX
Well, gee, Newbie. I just know you're not doing this for the free condiments, so what's in it for you?
J.D.
Okay, look. Things have been going really good between me and Elliott tonight.
(conspiratorially)
I think we might even get back together.
DR. COX
Gosh, Abigail, that's great. Later on you gotta call me from your Barbie princess phone and tell me how far she let you get – over blouse/ under bra; under blouse/ over bra; or the ultimate: under blouse/ under bra. But – for now – Get out! Get out! Get out!
He grabs J.D. and propels them both out of the apartment.
DR. COX (Cont'D)
Shoo, shoo! Bad horny doctors!
He shuts the door, sighs, and heads toward the bedroom.
EXT. HALL OUTSIDE DR. COX'S APARTMENT – CONTINUOUS
J.D.
I think he really appreciated our help.
ELLIOTT
Mmmn. Well, I guess I should go.
J.D.
What? Why?
ELLIOTT
Well, 'cause there's no baby any more. And without the baby, babysitting is pretty much just sitting, and I can do that at home.
J.D.
Hey, I like sitting. We can sit together... or one of us can even sit on the other. Honestly, the baby was just getting in the way of me realizing our full sitting potential.
Elliott smiles, wanly.
J.D. (V.O.)
She totally would have laughed at that upstairs.
ELLIOTT
Actually, J.D., I'm kind of tired. I'll see you tomorrow.
Elliott WALKS OFF down the street.
J.D. (V.O.)
It was then I realized why things had gone so well that night -- the reason we felt right, comfortable... like a couple.
J.D.
I need a baby.
INT. PATIENT'S ROOM – NEXT DAY
Turk stands in front of Jimmy's bed with a clipboard. Carla is behind him, working, but also keeping an eye on Turk.
TURK
...So that's your basic removal procedure. You're lucky; this kind of cancer is often overlooked. Fortunately the placement of the tumor is causing your discomfort, which tipped us off.
JIMMY
Great, my incredible, constant pain saved my life. Now that it's done, do you think you could get me some damn morphine?
TURK
Just as soon as possible...
Carla EXITS.
Turk (cont'd)
...and I just want you to know that I'm down to three pre-surgery beers to steady my cuttin' hand. For a while it was peppermint Schnapps because it made my breath minty fresh, and everyone thought I just had good hygiene. But I discovered that if I have two pieces of spearmint gum – y'know, with those flavor crystals? – I can get trashed before digging in and getting bloody.
Carla RE-ENTERS, without Turk noticing.
TURK (CONT'D)
You can't imagine just how good the malpractice insurance is here until your third wrongful death suit...
CARLA
Turk!
TURK
(very fast)
...Of-course-I-would-never-consider-operating-after-having-consumed-alcoholic-beverages-until-a-sufficient-period-had-passed-and-I-felt-confident-that-I-had-regained my sobriety.
(then, to Carla)
Hey baby.
CARLA
Mr. Lenover, I want to apologize for Dr. Turk's behavior.
TURK
Nurse Espinoza is absolutely right. It was unprofessional, and I apologize.
JIMMY
Wow. That's amazing.
TURK
I owe you that much.
JIMMY
It was amazing how quickly she had you jumping through hoops. I've never seen a man who's obviously had so much practice apologizing. Please tell me you're sleeping together.
TURK
Damn right we are.
Carla hits Turk in the side.
JIMMY
I must say, I'm impressed with your taste, if not hers. Hey, remember when you asked Katie Jackson for a date, and you claimed you were going to pick her up in a cherry red '67 Mustang? Then you never showed because you didn't have one?
TURK
I was five.
JIMMY
Still embarrassing.
CARLA
That's it. Dr. Turk is one of our finest surgeons and he deserves your respect – if only because tomorrow he's going to be holding your small intestine. Now excuse me, I have patients to attend to.
Carla EXITS. A beat.
JIMMY
She handle your bar fights too, Butterball?
TURK
Doctor Butterball.
INT. BREAK ROOM - DAY
Jordan is making a big show of massaging DR. KELSO's shoulders, while Dr. Cox watches, disgusted.
DR. KELSO
Oooh. Aahh. Ohhh. Oh, Jordan.
DR. COX
(to self)
I didn't think it was possible to actually make an audio recording of my nightmares.
DR. KELSO
Perry, I can't imagine how you can be so tightly wound -- stomping around the corridors, thinking up archaic feminine names for the residents -- when you have a little lady like this at home.
DR. COX
Well gosh, Bob, most days she's too tuckered out from churning butter and suckling our young to attend to an old sawbones like me.
JORDAN
Oh, Perry's just still upset the leather anniversary doesn't mean what he thought it did. Bob, your shoulders are so strong.
Dr. Cox hisses.
DR. COX
Well, Jordan, sometimes it feels like I carry the weight of the whole hospital on them.
JORDAN
Oh, I know.
Dr. Cox twists his hair and makes a Three Stooges noise.
DR. KELSO
I wish I could stay here all day, but I do have business to attend to.
JORDAN
I'll walk you to your office.
Dr. Kelso EXITS. Jordan follows, but is STOPPED by Dr. Cox before she reaches the door.
DR. COX
I know what you're doing, devil-woman, and it's not going to work.
JORDAN
Unless you want to spend your working life listening to that man achieve spontaneous hand-to-shoulder orgasm, you'll agree to discuss the subject I brought up last night.
DR. COX
Jordan, you can't blackmail me.
JORDAN
Watch me. Oh Bob...
She LEAVES beckoning toward Dr. Kelso. Dr. Cox chases her.
INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
J.D. is outside the break room and spies Dr. Cox.
J.D.
Dr. Cox!
DR. COX
Not now, Newbie. Shouldn't you be off making goo-goo eyes at Barbie?
J.D.
Well, that's kind of why I wanted to talk to you -- I need to babysit again.
DR. COX
Doris, I don't know if you realize this, but: when your patients call you doctor? That's not just an honorary title. I know money may seem tight, but once you're on staff, you may actually earn a living wage. Granted, I don't, but I pay alimony – doesn't mean you should hang that day-care shingle out just yet.
JORDAN
(from down the hall)
Why, no Bob, I'm not doing anything for lunch.
Dr. Cox makes a choking sound and walks away.
J.D.
(calling after him)
Dr. Cox, I need your child!
J.D. turns to REVEAL the Janitor.
JANITOR
You are one sick individual.
J.D.
I mean... I just want to take care of him
JANITOR
In your world that makes everything all right, doesn't it?
J.D.
(nervously)
Not really.
J.D. backs away and RUNS after Dr. Cox.
JANITOR
(yelling after him)
You won't steal any babies while I'm here!
ANGLE ON Dr. Cox as J.D. catches up.
J.D.
Dr. Cox, please -- I just need one more night.
Dr. COX
While, as a father, there's nothing less creepy than a grown man pleading to spend time with your infant child...
Jordan passes, following Dr. Kelso. She MOUTHS the words "We talk. Tonight." Dr. Cox sighs.
DR. COX (Cont'd)
You're in luck. My apartment at eight.
J.D. MOUTHS the word "Yes!" Dr. Cox gives him a warning look and follows Jordan off.
J.D. (V.O.)
I wonder if I should have asked for money this time.
INT. O.R. – DAY
Turk and Todd wash up following surgery.
Todd
Dude, what was wrong with you in there? You barely looked at blonde surgeon's ass when she bent over to tie off her suture. Did the stink of an open body cavity kill the mood?
TURK
It's my patient, Jimmy. Whenever I see him it's like I'm back in grade school. Stupid... butt-face... Jimmy-snot Lenover.
TODD
Dude, even The Todd finds that immature.
TURK
Then Carla defends me, and he just makes fun of me.
TODD
You should get him back.
TURK
That's what I said! But Carla...
TODD
Chicks just don't understand revenge. If it were me, I'd totally sign him up for a vasectomy.
TurK
(half laughing)
Yeah.
ToDD
Yeah.
TurK
Yeah
Todd
Yeah.
TurK
(now he means it)
Yeah.
ToDD
Dude, The Todd was just kidding. Nobody has more respect for a man's man-parts than The Todd.
TURK
Dude, chill. I'm not really gonna do it -- but I can make him think I will. Later, man.
Turk RUNS OFF.
TODD
(to self)
Nobody has more respect.
INT. PATIENT'S ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Turk ENTERS cheerfully, approaches Jimmy's bed, and picks up his chart. Jimmy is nearly passed out.
TURK
Heeeey, Jimbo old pal! How we doing?
JIMMY
(incoherent grunting)
TURK
Li'l groggy, huh? Those painkillers will do that. Don't mind me, I just need to make one tiny adjustment.
He scribbles something on the chart.
Turk (Cont'd)
There. Nothing to worry about. We'll tie up those testicles in a jif. I know how hard it must be, worrying that you're just too virile. That must be why you've been hassling me.
(baby-talk)
You're just cranky!
JiMMY
(alarmed grunting)
TurK
What's that man? You don't want a vasectomy? But it's right here on your chart.
Turk shows Jimmy the chart, then yanks it away and sticks it back on the bed.
TURK (Cont'd)
See you tomorrow!
He laughs ominously and JOGS OUT.
INT. HALLWAY, NEAR PEDIATRICS -- DaY
J.D. walks jauntily down the hall.
J.D. (V.O.)
This is great. Elliott will be there again tonight; I've booked us a baby... Everything is falling into place.
J.D. stops to look at the babies, through the window.
J.D. (V.O., CONT'D)
Every kid just needs a mom and a dad -- and sometimes daddy needs mommy to give him a little sugar.
J.D.
(to the babies)
Cootchie-cootchie-coo.
The Janitor glides by.
JANITOR
I've got my eye on you.
J.D. is startled, straightens up and hurries away.
J.D. (V.O.)
Just ignore him. Tonight will be perfect.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. DR. COX'S APARTMENT –NIGHT
J.D. and Elliott on the couch again. The baby is noticeably absent.
J.D.
I can't believe Dr. Cox took the baby with him.
There is a long silence. This isn't romantic at all. It's incredibly awkward. Trying to rekindle the old magic, J.D. picks up one of Jack's rattles and shakes it in Elliott's direction. She is unimpressed.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. DR. COX'S APARTMENT -- CONTINUOUS
J.D. (V.O.)
This is terrible. Look at her.
Elliott yawns. She examines her fingernails; then she starts biting them. She looks at the coffee table and picks up a copy of Oprah's magazine.
ELLIOTT
Oh. The May issue.
J.D. (V.O.)
She's never been so bored in her life! I have to do something. Think, damn you, think!
J.D.
Wanna adopt a puppy?
Elliott grins.
INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Dr. Cox and Jordan sit with Jack in a high chair, between them.
DR. COX
So, uh... The lemon pasta's nice. At least, it was last night.
JORDAN
Why do you hate me?
Dr. COX
Or we could just have an argument. I hear it's very good here.
A waiter approaches.
Waiter
And have we made up our minds?
JORDAN
Oh, there's no "we" here. There's me, my infant son, and the world Solitaire champion.
DR. COX
(to waiter)
We need a few minutes.
The waiter leaves.
JORDAN
Perry, I brought us here to talk, and just so there's no misunderstanding, let me do a little translation. When I say, "talk" I mean, "you explain yourself, so I don't spend the next several months secretly plucking your hair out at night."
Dr. COX
If only you'd been around to "translate" earlier.
JORDAN
Perry...
Dr. COX
Jordan, I don't want to get remarried, because I don't want to be married just to be married. God help me, I might actually want to be shackled to you again someday, but not to prove I'll be there for our son. You know I will. Because I love him, and I luh-luh-luh-luh...
He can't quite say it. Jordan indicates that it's okay for Dr. Cox to skip that part.
DR. COX (CONT'D)
...you. But I don't want to take that step until I know it's right, or it'll just mess things up for Jack even more.
(then)
I'm right about this. And, what's more, you know I'm right.
JORDAN
I know. I hate that.
DR. COX
Now, for the love of God, will you please stop touching Bob Kelso.
JORDAN
I couldn't have kept it up anyway. My hands smell like tiger balm.
INT. PATIENT'S ROOM – NIGHT
Turk ENTERS Jimmy's room, looking at something he's writing on a chart.
TURK
(still writing)
All right Jimmy – I'm just here to check on you before your big day tomor...
Turk looks up to REVEAL that Jimmy's bed is missing. He runs back out, panicked.
INT. NURSE's STATION -- CONTINUOUS
NURSE ROBERTS is at the desk. Turk RUNS IN from around the corner.
NURSE ROBERTS
What's up, baby? You look pale enough to star in White Chicks 2.
(to self)
Those poor, poor Wayans boys...
TURK
Where's my patient?
NURSE ROBERTS
Who?
TURK
(very high)
My patient!
(more composed)
My patient. The one that was in 102.
NURSE ROBERTS
Well, I believe he was taken for his vasectomy. Seemed a little worried about it, til' we pumped him full of drugs. Then he started telling me the plot of that Star Trek movie with the whales. Those spacemen get up to some wild stuff.
TURK
Quick, what operating room is he in?
NURSE ROBERTS
Oh, by now he should be in recovery.
TuRK
What? Who moved up his surgery?
NURSE ROBERTS
You did, honey. Isn't this your signature?
She shows him Jimmy's chart. Turk's signature is huge, stylized, and underlined three times. Turk is panicked.
NURSE ROBERTS (CONT'D)
Something wrong?
TURK
Naw. Uh... Naw. I was just worried I forgot to sign his chart, but I see you've got it, and that's clearly my signature. Yep, I signed it – making me solely and legally responsible. Good. Now that that's taken care of, I, uh... gotta go.
Turk RUNS AWAY.
NURSE ROBERTS
Thorough, but jumpy.
INT. CAFETERIA – NEXT DAY
Elliott and J.D. hold their adorable new puppy, trying to feed it hospital Jell-O.
J.D. (V.O.)
I never really appreciated before, how taking care of another living thing can bring two people together.
DISSOLVE TO:
MONTAGE:
MUSIC CUE: Shiny happy music plays.
We see the puppy, J.D., and Elliott around the hospital.
INT. LAUNDRY ROOM -DAY
The puppy bursts out of a laundry basket full of clean scrubs. J.D. and Elliott laugh.
INT. ICU – DAY
J.D. pours milk into a bedpan. The dog runs into frame and begins lapping it up. J.D. and Elliott laugh.
INT. O.R. -- DAY
J.D. throws a ball, which lands in the chest cavity of a patient on the operating table. The dog jumps to retrieve it. The surgeons look angrily at J.D. for a moment, then they laugh. J.D. and Elliott laugh.
SMASH CUT TO:
INT. NURSES' STATION – DAY
END MUSIC
SFX: A record skipping.
Nurse Roberts and Carla are behind the desk. J.D. and Elliott can be heard YELLING just out of frame,
J.D.
Elliott, it's your turn!
Elliott ENTERS, followed closely by J.D. who HOLDS the puppy, trying to give it to her.
ELLIOTT
I told you, I need to go check on Mr. Patterson.
J.D.
Can't you just take him with you?
ElLIOTT
J.D., Mr. Patterson was mauled by Rottweilers.
J.D.
Those are big dogs. This is a small dog.
ELLIOTT
He's in shock!
J.D.
Oh, he's a big baby!
ELLIOTT
Look, you're just going to have to take care of MacGruff by yourself for an hour.
CARLA
MacGruff?
J.D.
(to Carla)
He takes a bite out of crime.
ElLIOTT
I told J.D. it was a stupid name. The other dogs make fun of him.
CARLA
Elliott, dogs don't make fun of other dogs. They're dogs.
ELLIOTT
Tell that to Bruiser from the dog park.
J.D.
She's always coddling him. He's going to have to stand up for himself someday.
EllIOTT
Bruiser will eat him!
J.D.
Bruiser comes from a broken home. He's not as fortunate as MacGruff.
ElLIOTT
Whatever. I gotta go.
She LEAVES.
J.D.
Sure! Go! You don't have to listen to him barking his eyes out when you don't come home at night.
He hands the dog to Carla.
J.D. (CONT'd)
Hold this, will you?
He FOLLOWS Elliott, yelling after her.
J.D. (Cont'd)
You nursed that dog for hours and now this is how you treat him?
CARLA
(a beat)
I hope to God it was from a bottle.
She looks around, trying to figure out what to do with the dog. Dr. Kelso ENTERS, followed by Jordan.
DR. KELSO
Well. I didn't realize we'd switched to being a veterinary hospital. Although it would be nice to get thanked for putting our patients to sleep for a change.
CARLA
Oh, Dr. Kelso. I'm just watching him for a friend.
DR. KELSO
Nurse Espinoza, as an animal lover, I admire your altruism. But as a hospital director, I have to ask you to get back to work. Also I'm not an animal lover. Get rid of it.
He LEAVES, Jordan starts to follow, but is stopped by Carla.
CARLA
Jordan, I wouldn't suppose you'd be willing to...
JORDAN
I'm allergic. But, hey – next time I want a painful butt rash, I know who to call!
Jordan LEAVES. Carla looks hopefully at Nurse Roberts.
NURSE ROBERTS
All right, honey.
CARLA
Thank you!
She puts the puppy on the desk and LEAVES. Nurse Roberts and the puppy are alone.
NURSE ROBERTS
(to puppy)
Hey, cutie. Let's take you for a walk in Dr. Kelso's office.
INT. HALLWAY – CONTINUOUS
Jordan walks with Dr. Kelso. Dr. Cox stands further down the hall, examining test results. Dr. Kelso pauses.
DR. KELSO
(turning, to Jordan)
We're still on for lunch today, right Jor-Jor?
JORDAN
Wouldn't miss it, Snoop Bobb.
DR. KELSO
Excellent.
Dr. Kelso turns back around, almost running into Dr. Cox.
Dr. KELSO (CONT'D)
'Scuse me, Perry.
Dr. Kelso WALKS OFF, whistling the Old Spice jingle. Dr. Cox collars Jordan.
DR. COX
What's with the funny nicknames club? I thought we agreed last night.
JORDAN
Oh, we did.
DR. COX
Then why are y'all yearbook BFFs?
JORDAN
I just know it drives you crazy to see me so friendly with Bob Kelso – and I also know that you like it when I make you crazy – 'cause that's the kind of sick puppy you are, Perry. See you at home.
She LEAVES.
DR. COX
(speechless, then)
Dirty Girl!
Turk RUNS past Dr. Cox and the EXITING Jordan. We follow him into Jimmy's room.
INT. PATIENT'S ROOM -- CONTINUOUS
Carla is checking on the room's new occupant, as Turk ENTERS.
TURK
Carla!
CARLA
Turk, what's wrong?
TURK
Baby, I did something terrible, but I can't tell anyone because it's my fault, but they know it was me anyway because of my super-fly signature...
CARLA
Calm down, calm down, it's okay. I promise you, whatever you did, I won't be upset at you. We'll figure it out together.
TURK
I think I accidentally made Mr. Lenover get a vasectomy
CARLA
What? Oh you are screwed.
The patient in the bed sits up slightly.
MALE PATIENT
(indicating Turk)
Um. He's not my doctor, is he?
CARLA
You're so fired. And that's the best that's gonna happen. There'll be a lawsuit of course; you'll definitely lose your license...
MALE PATIENT
(continuing)
Because if he is my doctor, I'd just as soon switch now, if possible.
TURK
(to patient)
Shut up!
CARLA
I shouldn't be seen with you. You'll tarnish me by association. I can't let people think we're still together. I should probably take my ring off...
TURK
Baby!
CARLA
I told you to just leave him alone.
TURK
I know, Carla you were totally right. I should've listened to you.
CARLA
And to think, an innocent man's testicles had to pay the ultimate price.
Carla looks off into the air, sadly.
CARLA (CONT'D)
(then, laughing)
Your bully's fine, you goof. I just moved him into an empty room to teach you a lesson.
TURK
(open-mouthed, then)
That wasn't funny baby.
MALE PATIENT
Not funny at all.
CARLA
(to patient)
What do you know?
(then, to Turk)
Look, I needed to teach you a lesson about playing tricks on patients.
TURK
But you tricked me!
CARLA
You're not a patient. You're a surgeon.
She kisses him and LEAVES. Turk looks at the patient for support.
MALE PATIENT
Sorry dude. I'm also in favor of "not tricking patients."
INT. HALL – CONTINUOUS
We follow J.D. as he passes Turk's room.
J.D. (V.O.)
Most of the time, our problems are solved by being adults.
J.D. ENTERS the cafeteria, where Jordan is sitting with Dr. Kelso, as Dr. Cox looks on.
INT. DR. COX'S BEDROOM – NIGHT
Jordan is in bed, and Dr. Cox approaches.
J.D. (V.O., CONT'D)
But sometimes the secret to a good relationship is knowing when to be a little childish.
Jordan pulls Dr. Cox into bed.
JORDAN
(moaning)
Oh, Dr. Kelso!
Dr. Cox makes a face, then allows himself to be pulled.
DR. COX
This is NOT going to become a habit.
INT. RECOVERY – NIGHT
Carla is checking on Jimmy and is alarmed to see that he appears to have giant swollen balls. She reaches under his gown and pulls out a balloon. It has the word "FOOLED" written on it, in marker. She pulls out the second balloon, which reads, "YOU." She rolls her eyes. A balloon pop.
INT. ELLIOTT'S APARTMENT – NIGHT
The doorbell rings. Elliott goes to answer.
J.D. (V.O.)
And sometimes it's just allowing yourself the freedom to act like a child, no matter what the situation.
It's J.D. at the door. His hands are behind his back. He pulls them out one at a time, to REVEAL a bottle of wine in one hand, and Candyland in the other. Elliott smiles.
INT. DR. COX'S APARTMENT, HALLWAY – NIGHT
The doorbell rings and we hear footsteps running away. Dr. Cox opens the door and looks down. ANGLE ON the puppy, at his feet, in a baby's bassinet. Dr. Cox looks at it, quizzically.
JORDAN
(from the bedroom)
Get in here, Cox. I'm not through with you yet!
Dr. COX
(to the puppy)
Go get her.
The puppy runs into the bedroom. We hear Jordan sneeze.
INT. RECOVERY – NEXT DAY
Turk and Carla stand by Jimmy, in a wheelchair.
J.D. (V.O.)
Still, there's something to be said for being an adult.
TURK
You should come in for a check-up in a few weeks, but it looks like you're gonna be fine.
JIMMYY
Look. I know I was a jerk back in school...
CARLA
And now.
JIMMY
Yeah, that too. But I just wanted to thank you for helping me get better. You're a good doctor, Butterball.
TURK
You're welcome.
Carla wheels him out.
JIMMY
(to Carla)
Sure you don't want to ditch the wuss and go out with me?
CARLA
Sure you don't want me to wheel you into some medical waste?
ANGLE ON Turk, smiling.
INT. EXAM ROOM – DAY
J.D. is with a pregnant patient.
J.D. (V.O.)
I was happy to get back to being an adult too.
J.D.
All right, Mrs. Carter. I'm just going to take a listen.
J.D. kneels down and puts his stethoscope to the woman's stomach, REVEALING the Janitor in the hall outside.
JANITOR
Dear God, she hasn't even given birth yet.
The Janitor walks away, leaving a flustered J.D.
J.D.
(yelling after him)
I'm a doctor.
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW
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