Excerpts from 'The New Astronaut's Cookbook'
October's always ludicrously busy, so please enjoy something from the Dan McCoy archives, located in beautiful downtown "my hard drive" in cloudy Brooklyn, NY. This was originally published in Whim Quarterly, but has been lightly revised, just for YOU!
Excerpts from 'The New Astronaut's Cookbook'
From the Introduction:
Astronauts have long been at the vanguard of the culinary world, pioneering such innovations as freeze-drying, putting food in a tube, and putting freeze-dried food in a tube. Yet, until now, old-fashioned astronaut recipes were passed along on yellowing note-cards, scribbled down using those pens that work in zero gravity. You know? Those special pens?
For too long, these "out of this world" delicacies have been reserved only for those with perfect 20-20 eyesight, a test pilot background, and a gung-ho explorer's spirit. What of the blind, the lazy, the grumpy? Persons with limited access to solid-state rocket boosters? Those with the wrong stuff? This cookbook is for them.
Sample Recipes
LAIKA’S DELIGHT
This, the earliest example of astronaut cuisine, dates back to 1957, when early astronauts prepared космический булыжник (literally, “space kibble”) for Laika, the Russian dog, who was both the first mammal to be shot into space, and the reason dogs still act weird around cosmonauts. Seriously, try inviting a few cosmonauts to your next birthday and see how Rex takes it.
1 cup beef jerky, crumbled
1 cup bacon, crumbled
1 cup borscht
1 Tbs. astronaut ice cream
Mix all ingredients together. Insert into a pressurized tube. Then, squeeze contents of tube into a dog bowl. Serve accompanied by the dawning realization that you have been abandoned in the cold void of space.
MOON PIE
For the crust:
2 ½ cups space-purpose flour
2 sticks spacesalted butter, cut into cubes
1 tsp. sugar
4-6 Tbs. ice water
Filling:
1 package marshmallows
8 oz spacy-sweet chocolate
1 Tbs. astronaut ice cream
Combine dry ingredients, and cut in butter using centrifuge. Add water. Sprinkle work surface with flour; then, very quickly, before flour floats away, roll out crust (this will take practice). Chill dough in the absolute zero of space for extra-flaky crust. Add filling, and bake in the fiery heat of reentry. Decorate with the imprint of an astronaut’s boot (clean) and top with a flag.
Variation: “From the Earth to the Moon Pie” – As above, but serve with a miniature rocket protruding from the Man in the Moon’s eye.
Safety Tip: Is there water on Mars? Unknown, but even if there is, stick to bottled, for fear of getting “Marvin’s Revenge.”
IN SPACE, NO-ONE CAN HEAR YOU CRÈME BRULÉE
1 quart heavy cream
1 Tbs. vanilla extract
1 cup sugar
6 egg yolks (from free-orbiting chickens)
1Tbs. astronaut ice cream
Boil the cream and vanilla. Whisk together egg and sugar; then combine the cream mixture and the eggs. (Slowly – too fast and the cream will cook the eggs, and nothing enrages an astronaut like lumpy custard. NASA actually stands for "Never Add Spaceeggs with Alacrity.) Pour into ramekins, and bake in water bath of your nuclear reactor’s cooling liquid. The resulting brulée will be irradiated with flavor.
If using rocket exhaust to caramelize your Space Crème Brulée, remember your potholder.
BUZZ SALAD
Mixed greens
Balsamic vinegar
Space-virgin olive oil
1 Tbs. astronaut ice cream
Stuff greens into your mouth, then quickly squirt oil and vinegar into the air, and inhale the fine dressing-mist.
WARNING: frequent salad consumption may result in deterioration of breathable O2, catastrophic systems failure, and unscheduled reentry.
Safety tip: Astronauts can be a macho, unenlightened bunch. If you eat arugula in front of them, you risk being branded, “even lighter in the loafers than one would expect in zero gravity.”
SPACE WINE
3 monoliths
1 homicidal computer
1 Tbs. astronaut ice cream
Encounter monolith as primitive ape. Make giant evolutionary leap. Master space travel, and, after overcoming homicidal computer, follow remaining monoliths through trippy light show to a Louis VXI-influenced space hotel room. There, an unseen intelligence will feed you luxurious meals, including red wine. Be careful: dropping wine glass may result in sudden aging and/or spontaneous Star Babying.
Safety tips: Do not attempt to allow your wine to “breathe” by holding it outside of the airlock. There is no oxygen in space, so its flavor will not improve, and your death by depressurization will be for naught.
From Appendix A: Conversion Charts for Earth-Bound Cooks.
If you don't have a 12.5 million-Newton solid rocket booster, try using a Dutch oven.
In lieu of astronaut ice cream, take 1 cup regular ice cream and ½ cup toothpaste. Mix in blender; then spray with liquid nitrogen.
If space-purpose flour is unavailable, try using regular all-purpose flour, and crossing out the word “all” and writing “space” on it with a Magic Marker.
A Final Note for Aspiring Gastronauts:
Whether you’re attempting to operate a potato ricer in orbit, or simply enjoying a freeze-dried tube of pea puree in the comfort of your home, always remember the inspiring words of John F. Kennedy, who said, "We choose to go to the Moon in this decade and to prepare a gourmet four-course meal there, not because it is easy, but because it is hard... Now break me off a hunk of that cuckoo chalky ice cream!”
For earlier posts, check out the archive. In my other life, I’m a podcaster. Listen to my show The Flop House, here. In my other other life, I’m an Emmy-winning comedy writer. If you’re looking to staff, get in touch! And if you love the newsletter, you can always consider tipping me, by enrolling in the paid tier!