Calling an Audible

I'll put it right out there – the recent election result, beyond being merely not the one I'd hoped for, strikes me as being anti-woman, anti-nonwhites, anti-empathy, anti-common sense, and (based on threats of what comes next) eventually anti-democratic. If you find that too hyperbolic, well... I don't think that my mostly unpaid newsletter that takes far more effort than reward will miss you all that much. Perhaps in time, you'll change your mind. I hope a lot of folks will.

Anywhoooooo... I don't really have the energy for part two on writing/creativity right now (next time, I promise!), and y'all probably would appreciate something lighter anyway. So in the interim, enjoy this revision of an old fave humor piece of mine!

So You’re Covered in Ants

Maybe you feel a strange tingling sensation. Perhaps your trip to the ATM is hampered by a roiling, biting swarm. Maybe you intended to visit a “Covered with Ladybugs” convention, but entered the wrong door. No matter the whys and wherefores, you must face up to one simple truth. You are covered in ants. 

What are you going to do about it?

(1.) Where Am I?

Location is key. Are you in North America? The ants currently hugging your body are likely irritating but harmless. Keep them out of your eyes with low-powered leaf blower, and go about your day. Are you in Africa, South America, Australia, or parts of China? The ants may be poisonous. Skip directly to section #3, Getting Rid of These Damn Ants.

(2.) Why Are These Ants on Me?

While in the throes of an ant-covering, intellectual concerns like “scrutinizing root causes” too often give way to more purely emotional responses like, “Why?! Oh dear God in heaven, WHY?” Unfortunately, this religious query is rarely followed by rigorous scientific analysis. More often it just leads to more screaming, jumping into bodies of water, or crashing your car. 

Keep calm. Ask yourself: “Has a Popsicle recently melted all over me?” If so, the ants may simply be responding to their biological desire for sugar. Maybe a dip that lake isn't such a bad idea. However, if the ants persist after you have dispatched any and all delicious frozen treat residue, you must seek a secondary cause. Perhaps the ants just think you are a dick.

No self-improvement can occur without self-examination – whether you’re quitting smoking or quitting having ants on you. Have you considered that the issue may not be with the ants, but with you? Let’s take a look at your past actions. When getting dressed, did you don a t-shirt that says “Ants Welcome?” Did you pick up a hitchhiker who misheard your request as being for, “gas, grass, or ants?” Have you slept with a million ants’ girlfriends? You’d be surprised at how many people bring being covered in ants upon themselves through seemingly harmless everyday activities. 

Consider the following: are you the person you want yourself to be? Do you live by your principles, or merely pay them lip service? Often the gulf between our ideal self and our real self is frighteningly wide. Wide enough for a colony of ants.

If you haven’t already removed the ants from your eyes, do so now and take a look in the mirror. Tell yourself, “Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Ants or no ants, every day in every way, I am getting better.” Also, it’s just a good idea to keep talking, to mash up any ants that got in there (remember to gargle after). Even if you can’t find a cause (rolling in ant-nip) to link with the effect (being covered in ants), this sort of thoughtful self-examination may lead you to being a better, kinder, less ant-covered person in the future.

(3.) Getting Rid of These Damn Ants

Being covered in ants is no excuse for rudeness. Too often ant hosts make the mistake of jumping to conflict. If you take an adversarial position towards the ants, the ants will take an adversarial position towards you. 

“Hey. Hey, ants,” you should say. “It’s been nice. We had some laughs. But I have a big day tomorrow. Maybe it’s time for you to go back to the anthill now.”

Of course, they cannot hear spoken language, so you’ll need to say this to the ants using pheromones, but we think you’ll find the effort you put into learning how to speak "Ant" worthwhile. It’s a beautiful language. Just be careful. Never exude a feminine-pheromone-article paired with a masculine-pheromone-noun. That kind of gender agreement error will only enrage the ants, causing them to dig their sharp mandibles into your flesh. In that way, they’re much like the French.

Will the ants leave when you tell them to? No. But it will make you feel better about the next step. And taking care of you is the most important thing. 

That next step? Lethal force. While you might have moral qualms about the elimination of your ant-agonists, many take some solace in knowing that the specific method of “insecticide” is up to you, and you can pick whichever seems most humane. Of course, that's all bullshit, since the end result is the same, but what is self care if not a series of helpful rationalizations. Murder away, murderer!

Some options:

• Stop, Drop, and Roll – Works for both fires and ants. However, the amount of rolling required to kill a comprehensive ant-covering has been known to chafe the skin and also stain vintage Blondie tour shirts. Be aware of your surroundings: ants like to attack near cliffs or the banks of mighty rivers, so make sure any rolling is controlled, and never pause too long between the Stop and Drop stages, as this will only give the ants time to construct survival bunkers under your skin.
• Pressurized Water – If you happen to be near a fire hydrant and possessed of a monkey wrench, simply unscrew the cap and bathe in the ant-killing deluge. Do not attempt this near an active fire, as it may anger swarms of impotent firemen.
• Anteaters – The anteater is the ant-covered individual’s best friend. He will patiently lap up the ants covering your body in a thorough, professional manner. Unfortunately, the surprisingly soothing and sensual caresses of its extraordinary long tongue often leads to confused feelings of arousal, so this is only recommended for persons secure in their human-based sexuality. If anteaters are unavailable, aardvarks and pangolins will suffice, though they are more demanding lovers. 
• Ant-specific Acid That Kills Only Ants – This does not exist.

As you can see, there are literally hundreds of ways to kill ants, especially if you have difficulty counting bullet points due to ant venom. Choose what’s right for you!

(4.) Living with Ants

Despite modern advances, 98% of all people covered in ants will need to learn to live with some level of antfection, and the sooner you accept it, the happier you’ll be. Remember: it’s not what you want. It’s what the ants want. While your former life is over, completely and irretrievably—there is, and always will be only the ant… the great ant, roiling, churning, smothering you in its mandible-heavy embrace—you can still enjoy many activities from your former life! These include and are entirely limited to:

• Skateboarding
• Snowboarding
• Wakeboarding
• Shuffleboarding
• All aboarding (trains only)
• Waterboarding
• Boarding up your friend Fortunado, in the catacombs beneath your family’s palazzo, in return for the thousand injuries he's bestowed on you (amontillado optional)
• Antboarding

Some find that being covered in ants adds a pleasing new dimension to their sex life, due to the “warming” sensation it provides. These people are suffering from delusions caused by ants embedded in their brains. Fear them.

A Final Tip:

Whatever you do, if you are covered in ants, do not read the classic horror-suspense short story Leiningen Versus the Ants, by Carl Stephenson, first published in Esquire, in 1938—the gripping tale of a single man, determined to save his South American plantation from relentless army ants. 

Certainly his ultimate triumph may seem to make it a “feel-good” story for someone covered in ants (which is why it’s been a perennial favorite Christmas gift for ant-sufferers). However, Leiningen’s success is largely based on preparation—soaking his clothes in gasoline, rigging an elaborate system of dams, etc.—and thus will likely cause the less-foresight-gifted reader to sink into a morass of self-recrimination. Hindsight is 20-20. And, really, you’re covered in ants. Who needs the extra grief?

Happy anting!

For earlier posts, check out the archive. In my other life, I’m a podcaster. Listen to my show The Flop House, here. In my other other life, I’m an Emmy-winning comedy writer. If you’re looking to staff, get in touch! And if you love the newsletter, you can always consider tipping me, by enrolling in the paid tier!