Alien Vs. Predator: Civil Suit!
The following represents the court stenographer’s transcript in the matter of Alien v. Predator, case #10-2-000230-2, in the great state of Delaware. It is presented here as it was reprinted in Elements of Civil Procedure: Volume XI, Interstellar Law.
Bailiff: Here ye, here ye. All rise. Court is now in session. Honorable judge Dillon Burke presiding.
Judge Burke: You may be seated. Bailiff, please read the complaint.
Bailiff: Whereas, on April 7th, 2010, the defendant, an Alien of unknown planetary origin (hereafter referred to as “Alien”) did willfully and knowingly install a picket fence extending more than two meters past the property line of 428 Sandy Cove Lane, a residence belonging to the plaintiff, Mr. Predator of Yautja PRime (hereafter referred to as “Predator”). And whereas the Alien refuses to remove said fence, despite several polite notes from the plaintiff, written on flayed corpses and hung from trees near the Alien residence, the plaintiff is seeking removal of said fence, as well as all appropriate damages.
Judge Burke: I see, and what damages are sought?
Prosecution: Your Honor, as the unlawful construction has severely impacted the value of Mr. Predator’s summer cottage, he is seeking compensatory damages in the neighborhood of $2,000 to cover the removal of the fence, and punitive damages, whereby he is allowed to hunt the Alien and future Alien offspring in an unforgiving terrain to be determined. Such locales might include, but are not limited to: a Central American jungle, an Antarctic Aztec pyramid, or South Central Los Angeles.
Alien: [Hissing. Clicking. Some oozing of drool.]
Judge Burke: Defense, please control your client! Mr. Alien, you will have your turn. I will brook no outbursts in my courtroom.
Defense: We’re sorry, Your Honor; but as the defense will show, the Alien erected this wall for Mr. Predator’s own protection. His Queen is pregnant, and while his offspring are docile while in egg form, afterwards... things can get a bit… rowdy.
Predator: [Mandibles flaring.]
Prosecution: My client wishes it to be known that he can take care of himself.
Defense: I’m sure that Mr. Predator is very tough, but if I can just bring to the court’s attention the matter of the Nostromo – an entire spaceship decimated by a single…
Prosecution: And can I bring to the court’s attention a related event a mere fifty-seven years later, where several hundred of the same species were blown apart by space marines?
Judge: Gentlemen, this is not pissing contest, or whatever the equivalent alien waste product may be – I’m sure a violent grudge match between your clients would be thrilling…
Bailiff: Meh. You’d be surprised.
Judge: …But the fact remains, this is a LAND dispute.
Prosecution: Exactly, Your Honor. And Mr. Alien clearly encroached on Mr. Predator’s land. We only have Mr. Alien’s word as to his intentions. How do we know he didn’t erect this barrier for more nefarious purposes? After all, he’s constantly altering his appearance, from spiderlike, to a toothy fetus-worm, to something insecto-humanoid. Who can trust a xeno who keeps morphing?
Defense: Objection, Your Honor! Counsel is trying to paint the defendant as some sort of shady character, while any change in my client's appearance is strictly biologically driven – it’s not like he was wearing a false moustache above his second mouth!
Prosecution: Which, by the way, is a stupid evolutionary development. What is he doing with a mouth inside his mouth anyway?
Alien: [Violent hissing]
Judge: Gentlemen, please! Contain the personal attacks!
Prosecution: I think it’s obvious what happened in this instance – the defendant saw Mr. Predator move into his neighborhood, took one look at his dreadlocks, and was worried about his property value going down.
Defense: My client is not a racist! And if you want to talk stupid evolutionary developments, what's a species with opposable thumbs need with mandibles anyway? Does he eat everything pie-eating-contest-style? Just shoving his face into things?
[Three red triangles appear on defense counsel’s head]
Alien: Hissing.
Predator: Hissing.
Judge: Gentlemen, I think it might be advisable to take a fifteen minute recess to cool down a…
[Transcript obscured by blood]
Judgement rendered: Inconclusive.
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